Loki and the Fellowship of the Bath Bombs
by SpinelessSithposting
Summary: The source of every Asgardian's physical perfection, Strawberry Bath Bombs has run out. Only Loki and a select few can save the realm.
1. Chapter 1

"Another!" bellowed Thor, while casting his goblet across the room. Loki sighed in annoyance. _Must he be so arrogant all the time?_ He pondered to himself. That was a stupid question. Nonetheless, they were brothers and nothing, not even death could separate them.

"A simple, 'may I have another drink' would have sufficed Thor. That action was needless."

"Loki brother, you have much to learn about the ways of a warrior! A true combatant must always make his presence known!" Thor replied raucously.

"Perhaps so, but we are not in battle at the present time, so it is not necessary." Loki muttered.

Their well-humoured banter was cut short by the abrupt entry of Odin, who sported a look of sincerity.

"Boys, the people of Asgard face a real threat. I will attempt to tell you as lightly as I can, but you must brace yourselves. We are out of Strawberry bath bombs."

Odin then proceeded to fall into his annual Odinsleep to escape the terror.

Strawberry bath bombs were the key to every Asgardian's perfect hair and complexion.

"This cannot be!" Thor bawled helplessly. "How will I ever retain this level of perfection without Strawberry Bath bombs?" Even Loki's usually calm manner was wavered by this sudden news. His hair was a temple. The last time he had a zit was over five hundred years ago, and as he recalled, Asgardian zits lasted up to one hundred years.

He unmistakably remembered that fateful day when he had no other choice but to skip his daily blow dry because Thor had decided to drink his conditioner. It was hell, his hair gel wouldn't stay firm and as a result, he had to keep his horned helmet on all day which consequently caused a rash. There was no other choice. The brothers would have to face the icy terror of Jotunheim to reach the last reserve of Bath Bombs.


	2. Chapter 2

There was nothing for it. Thor and Loki collapsed to the ground in a pool of their own tears and for the first time in twenty years, hugged each other while screaming and crying. Their fiasco was interrupted by the entrance of the Warriors Three.

"So, you've heard the news then." Fandral sniffed.

 _He_ would be upset, Loki thought smugly. Fandral, the vainest God in Asgard having to go without Strawberry bath bombs? The sky would fall.

"Of course we have you blithering doll, why else would we be crying?" Exclaimed Thor in anger.

Silence fell.

"The Lost season six finale?" whispered Volstagg, on the verge of tears. Thor looked nonplussed.

"Well yes, that was rather heartbreaking, but the primary source for our distress is in fact, the scarcity of Strawberry Bath Bombs." Said Thor, in an attempt to steer the conversation away from such a delicate topic; Thor never really _got_ to see the finale, as he failed to pay his Midgardian television maintenance bill. $75 a month! What a joke!

"Well friends, we are on a mission to retrieve the last reserves of Strawberry Bath Bombs. We travel to the desolate land of Jotunheim at noon and could benefit from a few extra hands. Would you be interested in joining us?" requested Loki impatiently. All this talk of Lost had him bothered; he could never stand Jack's control issues.

"We would be honoured, my Lord," Hogun began. "But one one question- did Sif not say she would join us?" He continued, emotionlessly as usual.

Thor sighed.

"She is beyond reason. There we were assuming she was past the 'vanity phase' but she has now taken to locking herself in her chamber."

"Perhaps I should... give her another haircut?" whispered Loki mischievously.

"That will not be necessary Loki!" Bellowed Odin, as he promptly entered the room.

Odin's eyes swept across the room, scrutinising every person who stood there.

"So these are your chosen companions then, my sons?" He boomed, quite unnecessarily, Loki thought.

"Erm... Yes father, they are. I thought you were sleeping?" Replied Loki, with an air of boredom in his voice.

"I woke up. The new series of Maury starts tomorrow. And you can't be so sure I'm your father can you then- Oh whoops, not yet. Can't be giving out plot details too early, Marvel will surely sue!" Odin guffawed heartily.

Loki was now beyond boredom. He had visions of throwing himself off the Bifrost if he had to continue with these imbeciles for much longer.

"Very well then! You shall be the Fellowship of the Bath Bombs! No oath is placed upon you to go further than you will, but if you fail, I will have to kill you! So no pressure!" declared Odin. _Oh joy, another Elrond quote_ , Loki thought.

"Well no matter, we must depart!" Thor declared.


	3. Chapter 3

There was a sudden, deep silence in Asgard.

The talk spread like wildfire; "The Lords of Odin are to save us!" A child's voice could be heard crying happily.

The warriors three and Thor were all in their element, what with all the attention they were receiving. Loki however, being shrewd as usual, was the only one who realised that Heimdall would be reluctant to allow them passage to Jotunheim. Heimdall previously had arguments with Laufey about a dominoes game they had played. Laufey allegedly cheated and gained a free Stardoll membership which Heimdall had betted on. He was deeply upset by this. After considering this issue deeply, Loki decided that the wisest course of action would be to get Heimdall drunk.

The Fellowship of the Bath Bombs clambered towards the Bifrost until they came face to face with Heimdall.

"You may want to consider wearing warmer clothes, if you're going to Jotunheim." Heimdall exclaimed in his booming voice.

"Surely you will let us pass, good friend?" Thor asked impatiently.

"Never!" Heimdall snapped vehemently. "My Stardoll avatar was so... dynamic... So chic. But then, when I lost my membership, I had to go back to wearing stupid regular clothing! I have never been covergirl since!" He continued, on the verge of tears.

 _Drat,_ Loki thought. He had hoped Heimdall wouldn't ask where they planned to go. But no matter, it was time to initiate the backup plan.

"Say, Heimdall, you look rather work-strained, why not enjoy a bottle of this Midgardian drink?" The others looked puzzled. Of course they would, not one of them could match Loki's intelligence and wit.

"I wonder... I have only once drank Midgardian beverages... I will accept." Heimdall said slowly.

 _What?_ _How quick._ Loki had expected a refusal at first. Thor leaned over towards Loki, and whispered into his ear.

"Brother, what is the meaning of this, we must reach Jotunheim." He grunted in annoyance.

"Wait." Loki replied abruptly.

Minutes passed. Heimdall began drinking.

Two minutes passed.

Three minutes passed. An explosion occurred in the distance.

Heimdall continued to drink.

After ten full minutes of waiting, Thor finally had enough and pulled the bottle away from Heimdall with enough force to shatter a Nokia.

"Enough! Heimdall, let us- Heimdall? What is the meaning of this?" Thor yelled, aghast, for it was that Heimdall had attempted to begin a salsa dance with Thor. "Get your hands off me! Brother, what have you done to him?"

"I have... Broadened his mind." Loki sniggered.

And with that, he pushed Heimdall off the Bifrost and promptly teleported to Jotunheim, the others following him


	4. Chapter 4

Due to Loki's inexperience with the Bifrost teleport, the trip was extremely difficult. Firstly, Volstagg was too engaged with a shawarma wrap to realise the group had left, so as a result was promptly teleported to Niffleheim.

It took three hours to retrieve him and Thor was deeply irritated by this. The turbulence during the trip also caused Fandral's moustache to go askew and with no Bath Bombs to fix it, he had a complete and utter tantrum.

By the time the group reached Jotunheim everyone's hair and complexion were ready to shatter. Loki's zit was now the size of a pin and could be seen from two meters away.

Thor's usually complacent, untangled hair now protruded over his forehead and resembled a bush. When the Fellowship was looking away, he cried deeply. The only person who appeared unaffected by the sudden lack of Bath Bombs was Hogun, who appeared as stony-faced as ever.

After three leagues of never ending trekking across the vast plateau of Jotunheim, the Fellowship reached a settlement. Loki, being the intellectual he was, realised that if the Jotuns became aware of their presence, they would surely be incarcerated and most likely tortured to death with a tickling feather. The others were not as clever.

"I AM FAMISHED!" boomed Volstagg, unaware of his surroundings. "I WANT MY SHAWARMA WRAP BACK!" he continued.

"Goodness gracious Volstagg you ridiculous lout, we are surrounded by Jotuns!" Loki hissed, hoping that the frost giants were too absorbed in hunting Bilgesnipe to pay attention to Volstagg.

They weren't.

"Asgardians! Filthy usurpers!" cried a nearby Jotun. A large rabble of guards promptly arrested the Fellowship, who fruitlessly tried to escape. After what seemed like hours of walking, they were placed before Laufey, king of the Jotuns.


	5. Chapter 5

"Asgardians. I know what brings you to my realm" Laufey began triumphantly.

"We are desperate Laufey! The Bath Bomb reserves are just within your reach and since your people need them not, we _must_ access them!" Loki cried frantically.

Laufer narrowed his eyes, clearly confused.

"Bath Bombs? I was under the impression that you were here to claim Heimdall's Stardoll membership again! But in case that is your true motive, you shall never have it. I have been covergirl seven times since I gained it." Laufey said once again, triumphantly. He was a very triumphant person.

Laufey's tirade of success was interupted by a deafening crash in the distance.

The entire fellowship along with Laufey spun around on their heels to locate the source of the ruckus.

It was Fandral.

In a desperate attempt to save his unruly moustache, he had smashed a glass bottle of Jotun wine and poured the liquid over it. Little did he know, the wine contained anti-colouring agents and his golden-blond hair colour began to dissolve, revealing his true, brown hair.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" He screamed while falling to his knees and grasping Thor's feet. "I'M SORRY THOR! OUR WHOLE LIVES, WE HAD WHO'S-THE-BEST-BLOND COMPETITIONS AND I ALWAYS WON! AND I WAS ALWAYS A TRAITOR! AN USURPER!" He continued, while bawling into Thor's shirt.

"Fandral, do compose yourself. We care not that you aren't a natural blond." Loki said, in an attempt to reassure Fandral, "Thor, surely you can forgive Fandral and let this occasion pass?" he continued desperately.

"Never!" Thor snapped. "Do you know what the prize was last year? A Macbook Pro! With Wi-Fi! I could have seen the Lost finale for free! But this traitor stole it from me!" Thor continued with enough rage in his voice to smash the Bifrost. "I may as well break the Bifrost with my trusted friend Mjolnir if this continues."

"THOR! WHAT DID FATHER SAY ABOUT PLOT DETAILS! DO YOU WANT MARVEL'S LAWYERS ON YOUR BACK AGAIN? THEY GOT RID OF TWO THOR DIRECTORS AND THEY CAN NOW SUE YOU FOR MILLIONS!" Loki bellowed for the first time in years. "Now... Forgive Fandral. We must be as one; we are the Fellowship of the Bath Bombs!" Loki said, in an attempt to diffuse the situation.

"Well... I suppose so Fandral, you are forgiven." Muttered Thor grudgingly. "Now do stand up, you are a warrior, not a slinky-"

"Oh hey, slinkies rule! I got one last Christmas, even though it cost a fortune to have it delivered from Wal-Mart, it was so worth it!" Laufey interjected, much to the surprise of the fellowship.

Fandral wiped his eyes, ignoring Laufey.

"You-you guys r-rule. I d-don't deserve y-you. I'm gonna make it up to you." And with that, he drew his sword and plunged it deep into Laufey's chest.

"What is this?" Laufey gasped "I thought... I thought you were cool for a bunch of Asgardians. But no..." He trailed off, and eventually slumped to the ground where he lay lifeless.

He then passed to Valhalla. Or Niffleheim. Depends on whether or not he paid his utility bills.

"Well that was interesting. I do wish I had my shawarma wrap back though." Volstagg said flatly.

"Now all we have to do is find the Bath Bombs! This is easy!" Thor declared.

Loki rolled his eyes in annoyance. "We need to find the blasted Bath Bombs first!"

"That will be an easy task. Jotunheim is barren and icy, but bereft of crevices and effective hiding places." Thor answered. And so it was, that the Fellowship began their mighty search for the last of the Bath Bombs in the barren wasteland of Jotunheim.


	6. Chapter 6

"Ha! Easy task..." Muttered Fandral, through chattering teeth.

It had been six months.

The Fellowship had not come remotely close to finding the Bath Bomb reserves. The entire Asgardian population was shattered. Zits and blackheads were appearing every day; hair that was once flawless now lay in a matted heap of tangles. Heimdall had still not been recovered, and it was soon suspected that he was now living on Midgard as a Stardoll moderator.

The fellowship however, were not so unlucky. Due to Jotunheim being the icy terrain that it is, their facial conditions did not wear out as quickly as those on Asgard. They had also managed to escape the Jotun law, by managing to pass off Laufey's death as a result of high cholesterol. Loki had even created an illusion that the king's last words were; "Let the Asgardians free, allow them to fulfil their task." Their luck was however, about to turn.

It all began with an issue of 'Asgardian Vogue.'

After Volstagg had finished reading the issue from eight months ago in an attempt to find some hair care tips, he had forgotten to dispose of it in the recycling bin Loki had set aside. Since he had forgotten to recycle this one magazine, the temperature in Jotunheim promptly soared to 45 degrees Celsius.

"VOLSTAGG YOU TWIT!" Raged Loki, whose temper had reached a breaking point ever since Thor had refused to pop his zit which was now the size of a CD-disc. "LOOK AT THE SUN OUTSIDE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET SUNBURNT BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO RECYCLE!"

"Oops." Volstagg said tartly. Fandral, whose peroxide had completely disappeared, revealing his true hair was in tears.

"I-I'm going to die of this heat!" He blubbed incoherently.

Hogun showed no emotion, as usual. Thor had taken to smashing his head into Mjolnir in an attempt to tame his grizzly hair.

Would the Fellowship ever progress?


	7. Chapter 7

Until this point, Hogun had been the most composed of the Fellowship. Never had he lost control. But not anymore. His adorable hair-bunch had turned to ruin and now stuck out at the sides. His complexion had exploded with zits.

"I CAN'T TAAAKE THIS ANYMORE!" He raged, while smashing everything in his path. Loki and Thor fruitlessly tried to restrain him. Fandral was too busy sobbing. Volstagg was too busy keeping the house cool, due to his mistake with the recycling bin last week.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hogun roared, punching a hole through the wall of their makeshift igloo.

The very second he did so, the fellowship heard a loud crack.

Loki poked his head outside the Fellowship's igloo and could never have been prepared for what he saw.

Sleipnir was stood stationary opposite the house, towing a carriage. Unaware of what the carriage contained, Loki slowly advanced around the side and opened the door. Lo and behold, the Bath Bombs were stacked in size order inside the carriage!

"Sleipnir! I knew you inherited my intellect! Good horse/son!" Loki cried ecstatically. Sleipnir brayed contently.

The rest of the Fellowship flocked outside and despite being the manliest soldiers alive, all hugged each other and squealed like a fangirl watching the new series of Hetalia.

"We return to Asgard later today! I can watch the Lost finale! Yes!" Thor bellowed gloriously.

Fandral bellowed incoherently, his eyes streaming with tears. "Y-You did it ma' boy!" He cried, unsure of who he was addressing exactly.

With that, the fellowship clambered into the carriage and had an enormous Bath Bomb party. Loki forcefully splattered zit cream all over his football-sized zit and within three seconds, it vanished. Fandral was able to restore the strawberry blond hair colour he had previously possessed. Hogun was crying in Volstagg's arms.

All was well. When they reached the Bifrost, everyone was so ecstatic that they left Sleipnir in Jotunheim. It was fine however, Sleipnir had a secret savings account in the Bank of Jotunheim and was able to withdraw a ton of Jotun currency to buy a mansion. The Fellowship were on the road home.


	8. Chapter 8

A monstrous welcome party awaited the Fellowship when they returned to Asgard, and an array of gifts awaited them. Thor finally received a Macbook Pro, therefore enabling him to watch the finale of Lost once and for all. He had also taken to dying his hair black and shaving the side of it in order to bear some resemblance to the fabled Midgardian artist 'Skrillex.' Loki received a new set of curlers from Odin which were presented to him by a royal subject, as Odin was unable to stop watching the new series of Maury in HD.

"So you did it then." Sif muttered, while abruptly entering the room.

"Why yes my Lady, while you were distressing in your chamber, we risked our lives to save Asgard! The sheer cheek of it!" snapped Fandral, who's moustache had been forcibly tamed.

"Well _I'm_ sorry if I was almost catatonic!" Sif screeched incoherently and with that, promptly ran out of the hall in tears.

Volstagg most definitely received his shawarma wrap back; it had been caught in a lingo between Svartalftheim and Álfheimr. Malekith had however possessed it with a dark spirit, but upon being eaten by Volstagg, it ceased to exist.

It seemed that all was well in Asgard once again. The Fellowship received their comeuppance for their efforts and Heimdall continued to work as a Stardoll Moderator, while protecting Asgard from cyber-attacks. The central heating however, was faulty and they all caught colds.

END


End file.
